Fifty Shades of WTF

Yes daddy!

Greetings, loved ones. I made the mistake of catching the last 45 minutes of Fifty Shades Freed today. There I was, casually channel surfing, when I stumbled upon the third and final installment of the Fifty Shades trilogy. My eyeballs, mind, and sensibilities were assaulted. I was in physical pain. This was, without a doubt, the worst piece of crap I had ever seen. I know it’s been a minute since these movies came out but DAMN. This is what I’m writing about today, so if you’re not on board the sh*t talk train, get outta here!

These movies symbolize every suburban white mom sexual fantasy. Literally. They started as a Twilight fan fiction where Edward is a powerful business magnate and Bella is a bumbling interviewer. He tells her he’s into BDSM and she’s not down to clown. That’s the whole first Fifty Shades book and movie. Two hours. I’m not sure what’s redeemable about either character because there’s simply nothing to either of them. Like Twilight, it follows the basic trope of Handsome Man and Normal Girl. Normal Girl is totally average in every way, but Handsome Man sees something…special about her. She’s *different*. Handsome Man says all of three words to her, usually something mysterious and vaguely sexual and Normal Girl falls in love with him and that’s…it? She basically does everything he says because he loves her and is only trying to protect her. He has an insane amount of power and wealth and she is swept off her feet. And he has NEVER felt this way about anyone else before, so forgive him for being too overprotective (creepy). This is so problematic that I can’t even begin to describe it. So I won’t.

Now onto the next issue. As a kinky binch myself, I feel really gross about the way this is portrayed in these movies. Obviously these books were written for vanilla housewives who are tired of missionary. I can understand that. But for the main character to be irrevocably disgusted by the fact that Christain Grey gets off on the pain he’s inflicting? Cray. He spanks her with a belt once, and she flips out. Number one, stop kink shaming. Number two, where have you been? BDSM is in the public lexicon. When done properly, it is a way to not only bond with your partner, but release control over yourself and explore in a completely safe and consensual environment. What is depicted is NOT that. The reason he has this kink in the first place is because his mom was a crack head and he wanted to basically beat up women that resembled her????? What the f*ck. That explains why he’s a totally weird and controlling piece of crap. She’s an awkward english lit major who just so happens to interview Mr. Grey since her roommate is sick and can’t do it. Perfect.

There is no character development, no climax, no discernible movement of any kind. These movies just kind of follow these people along as they date and have uncomfortable kink sessions numerous times and eventually get married. They don’t even mention what this dude does for a living. He’s just a ‘powerful businessman’. At 27. In fact, he has billions and billions of dollars, helicopters, yachts, and a ton of beautiful cars. On paper, this man is literally perfect. Super sensual, protective, handsome, and wildly successful. I feel like a big part of the draw for the main character Anastasia is that he’s so stupid rich. But it also feels like this man is made of cardboard. She is also pretty stale, with seemingly no ambitions of her own. She interns for a crazy stalker at a publishing house type deal, and when he’s fired (Literally due to Mr. Grey’s flexing his influence) she just takes over the whole business despite being maybe 22?

This movie is truly ridiculous and honestly the worst thing I’ve ever seen. I’ve waded through a lot of bad movies in my day. I’ve even met and had my picture taken with Tommy Wiseau. But seriously what a money grabbing piece of garbage this whole series is. Completely devoid of emotion, but un-ironically. The books were one thing, I’m not about to trash the romance novel genre/industry because honestly it’s great. I totally get the need for moms and aunts and grandmas to have that *sweet* release but to make an adaptation so devoid of anything that makes a character a real person is just…doodoo. It’s not the genre that’s the problem, it’s the horrible writing of both book and movie. The fact the former was then turned into huge blockbuster movies with no development on the poorly written story and fed to the sexually deprived public is pretty trash. Honestly, while watching this ridiculous series I felt ashamed of the filmmakers and embarrassed for the actors. And that, friends, is my two cents on this 7 year old movie trilogy.

Just….a mess

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